The Real List of the World’s Most Deadly Bears

The other day I sent a friend an image of a man wrestling with a polar bear at a zoo, the location is unimportant. But after talking for a while about the picture, and me insisting that he write an article full of erroneous statments regarding the image and warn people of the dangers of bears in the world. He took another approach, making a list of the Worlds Top Deadly Bears, which is a great idea, but he executed poorly, in my opinion. Here is a link to his list that I ask you read before continuing on with mine, http://jmcguirk.wordpress.com/2007/06/14/the-worlds-top-deadliest-bears. Now, you will see a few similarites between the two, but I assure you that my list is more comprehensive, and therefore better. Now onto the list!

8. Yogi Berra
Now while his name is not “bear”, it is close enough to sounding like it to make it on the list. You may ask what did he ever do, and why does he pose a threat to me and my family? You should know, that he has had involvement with the New York Yankees. Not only did he play almost his entire career with this terrible organization, he also in his later years thought it would be honorable to become a team manager. He also did a few commercials, and because I don’t like him, I am annoyed that he is allowed to make these. I also belive that he is almost, or completlely mentally retarded. I will prove my theory with a couple of quotes from this man.
“It’s like déjà vu all over again. “
“It gets late early out there.”
“Our similarities are different.”
“Ninety percent of the game is mental, the other half is physical.”
I feel these quotes don’t need any explanation to help me make a case against him. To answer the question of the threat that he poses again, I would say that he is a danger because he has the possibility to make you and your family less intelligent by watching anything involving him, so don’t.

7. Yogi the Bear
One could argue the reality of this bear, but I feel that he is threatening in a multitude of ways. First off, he is a bear. Secondly, he is a theif, and a bear. And finally he teaches children it is a good quality to be a theif, and he is a bear.

6. Smokey the Bear
Now some may say that Smokey the Bear is friendly, but I have to disagree. He has that scarey deep voice that made me scream when I was a small child. He also preaches fire prevention in regards to forest fires. Have you ever thought, why does a bear have any interest in preventing forest fires? It’s so that their homes aren’t destroyed and they can continue to procreate and one day eat the entire human race. So I say, fuck you Smokey, I’ll burn whatever forest I want to, and you can’t do shit about because you’re a bear.

5.Behr Paints
Now while Behr claims to have never used lead pigmits in their paints, I have to say it doesn’t make it any less dagerous. There are many known dangers that stem from the use of house paints, and Behr paints are no exception to that rule. It is also rumored that after 5 years, the paint transforms in the middle of the night into a giant bear and devours your entire family in their sleep.

4.Koala Bear
Some of you may wonder how this cute creature is dangerous. While it is true that this bear does not like to eat human flesh, it goes without saying that those claws are not for climbing trees, but for ripping human flesh for fun. For some unknown reason this monster loves nothing more than to tear humans apart and leave them to rot for other animals to feast on. Don’t allow yourself to be fooled by this monster’s cuteness.

3.Grizzly Bears
One of the largest of all bears, it is easy to see why they are near the top of this list. If you dont belive me that you should be afraid of these creatures, ask Grizzly Man Timothy Treadwell. Oh wait, you can’t, he and his wife were devoured by these monsters that he thought were his friends while making a documentary in Alaska.

2.Polar Bear
At first it would seem that this type of bear is less dangerous than a Grizzly, but when you think about their exposure to humans you will quickly see why they are higher on this list. These bears live in a polar region where there is little to eat, so it would only make sense that they kill whatever moves around them, especially human. So if you were planning a polar expedition anytime soon, I would hold off a little longer. Keep driving those giant SUV’s and eventually all the ice will melt and all of these bears will drown, making the North Pole a better place to vacation then the Caribbean. Yay global warming!

1.Bear Grylls
You may think this a joke, but I am serious as a heart attack, if i can use a cliché expression. His parents must have known what the future held for him and named him properly. This man forces himself into dangerous situations so that others may learn how to survive should they find themselves in a similar predicament. I have witness this man eat raw carcasses, live snakes, and even milk elephant shit for drinking water, knowing full well he could have gotten e-Coli. What makes this bear even more dangerous is that he walks upright and is able to talk, making it able for him to decieve his prey.

I feel I have done the public good today, and I hope that this has been as eye-opening for you as it was for me. Remember, the next time you see any type of bear, do whatever you have to to kill it.